i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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