she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
