I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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