Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
