Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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