Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
