Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
