I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
