Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
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