it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
