Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
