My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You pole danced in your parka.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
