My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Randomize
