Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
