i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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