Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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