i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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