I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
