If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
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