i wish starbucks made bloody marys
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
