we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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