I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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