My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
