Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
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