2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
