I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
