he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
