tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
