Apparently you make a good broom.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
