the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
