well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
