I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
