I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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