imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
