i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
