just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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