I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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