I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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