Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
