This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
