I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize