i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize