If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize