OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
