is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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