I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
