i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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