yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
