You're my little dorito
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
