god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
