Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
