Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
