she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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