I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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