she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
