Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
