Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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